shawnbakken.net

For those of you who have checked out the link to The Opinion listed below, you probably noticed that starting last year, the newspaper had a steady stream of issues coming out almost every month as opposed to every season. This year, however, the school had a budget crisis that could have shut down the printed version of the paper altogether. Thankfully, the money we needed was provided due to democracy in action. Meaning I haven’t the slightest idea what happened. (more…)

Superstar, Frat Guy, what’s the difference? I’m not sure. I mean, I can see Elvis in either position—he was obviously the King, but he also had a tendency to get smashed on booze, drugs and cheeseburgers. Or maybe it was pizza, in which case all he’d need to do was be enrolled in a college and go on tour instead of attending classes.

So maybe there isn’t a difference, in which case this script seems very appropriate. Even though he’s not the King, The Son might not be that much different. Cheeseburgers and pizza might not have existed during his time, but he definitely spent a lot of time on tour.
(more…)

By Shawn Bakken, Staff Bearer

* This column may offend some people. I recommend you suck it up and deal. The world isn’t going to bow to your personal preferences. And don’t waste your time bitching to me. If you can’t take a joke, I don’t want to have anything to do with you. Or your mother. She was great last night, you know… (more…)

By Shawn Bakken, Staff Reporter

It seemed like just another ordinary day at Neverland, Michael Jackson?s ranch and amusement park. After cruising around on the quarter-mile go-kart track for twenty minutes, Jackson was walking toward the ferris wheel until Bryce Handle, one of the bodyguards hovering around the grounds on a regular basis, said something quietly to another guard and turned to go into the main building. Jackson immediately attacked the 4-year veteran of his staff, leaving several scratches across Handle?s cheek. Shortly thereafter, Handle received a memo on official Disney? stationary informing him of the immediate termination of his position in Jackson?s Magical Kingdom. In response, Handle is suing Jackson for $100 million. (more…)

By Shawn Bakken, Reporter

Just when people start to think that philosophical thought has become stagnant and nothing remains to be discovered, something occurs similar to a recent development in the Kenyon Philosophy Department. In accordance with several collective incidents and plenty of thought on the matter, the faculty members have reached a general consensus that they do not exist. (more…)

During my senior year as an undergrad, the guys in my apartment decided it’d be cool to make a spoof paper and send it out to various friends and professors, the janitorial staff, some squirrels living in the backyard and your mom. Unfortunately for all the aforementioned parties (or perhaps fortunately, depending on your point of view), the paper never came into existence, primarily because I was the only one who wrote any articles. So the following three entries were my attempt at creating a bit of love and joy and sexual healing throughout our little village in Ohio. You’ll have to decide for yourselves whether they would have worked or not. Especially on the squirrels.