shawnbakken.net

Or maybe just upon me.

Bet you didn’t know that professors can be good for more than decent grades if you provide the proper sexual favors, did you? Turns out that they can add a little sunshine to an ordinarily dismal day filled with crappy classes that you’d rather sleep through and they’re serving sloppy joes for lunch again. Beginning in my sophomore year at Kenyon, I started jotting down quotes in the margins of my notebooks, comments from professors and students which kept time from stopping and made things a little less unbearable. (more…)

Upon checking the Inbox on one of my multitude of e-mail accounts (I think you can write to me in five different ways), I found one message that’s offering… well, it’s not something I’d pay money to see, but I think the disclaimer is worth sharing. (more…)

I sometimes forget just how sensitive some people’s ears are. When I’m talking to people my age or younger, they’re used to language that their elders might consider “offensive”—it’s part of our modern culture, much like half-naked models on billboards and beer commercials on TV. But when those elders are in the room… that can have an unfortunate effect. (more…)

This poem brought to you by the best way to commit sexual harassment using a file cabinet at work:

shall we moon those young girls
with the full breasts and
wet sensual lips?
I know we must; each and every one.
as the morning sun
kisses your naked cheeks,
you cry, “I am so drunk!”

This poem brought to you by the best way to use your refrigerator to show you love someone when they suffer from a case of the munchies at 3:00am:

I say, “my goodness, dinner is magnificent”
as I slowly eat some delicious pie.
she begs me to snuggle, but I laugh deeply.
her eyes are ablaze and her blood boils.
she holds my neck and caresses my head.
her voice whispers softly in my ear,
“I cannot live without your warm embrace, baby.”
then the wench lights my hair on fire.

It’s hard to explain how awkward it felt being on KS95 this afternoon. During the interviews for Beauty and the Geek, I’ve spoken in front of a group of people, I’ve done it with a video camera on, but talking to a couple DJs over the phone… it felt so unnatural. (more…)

After doing grunt work from Monday through Thursday, I was ready to have a little fun. More specifically, I was ready to have a little fun at First Friday. It’s a Mensa gathering that happens every… well, every first Friday of the month—pretty self-explanatory, really. But I wanted to attend for a very specific reason: I wanted to give my thanks to Paul Jensen. As you may have read before, he was the catalyst for my appearance on Beauty and the Geek—he told the casting agency about me and the rest is still becoming history. However, I’d wanted to wait to tell him until I knew when the show was going to debut so I could spring it all on him at once. I feel so devious… (more…)

This poem brought to you by the best way to show you care and wipe out the magnetic strip on your credit cards at the same time:

voices in my head make me
blow my liquid man sugar
on her baby’s dinner

(Tasteful, no?)

Note to self: if you turn in your bar application on Monday, don’t wait until Saturday to post it on the blog. You’d think that would be a pretty big accomplishment at the moment, wouldn’t you? (Especially since I missed the deadline for the February exam, so at least I won’t have to feel foolish for that particular mistake this time around…)

It probably wouldn’t have taken more than an hour or two to jot down that I filled in the updated form that I didn’t learn about until three days before the deadline, I used a digital picture of myself from Brent’s wedding for the ID card, I put everything into a nice, big envelope and then dropped it all off at the Board of Law Examiners office in St. Paul. Woo hoo! Good stuff… (more…)