Author: Shawn

Posted on

S3, Episode 6: “YEEEE-HAWWWW!!!”

(My apologies about the tardiness of this entry—I’ve been having computer problems and had to steal someone else’s to write this.)

Have you ever banged your head against a rock repeatedly? I have. (You can probably tell. And not just because of all the dents.) Banging your head against a rock hurts like hell, much like when you try to explain simple concepts like “Money isn’t everything” to someone who… well, who does believe that money is everything.

You’re going to be on a ranch, doing ranch-like activities and you go for the cutesy, yet painfully uncomfortable boots? But at least Megan was willing to run in them. Has Cecille never seen an athletic female running along the beach with a light layer of sweat glistening in the sunlight? Maybe she hasn’t if she gets her skin color from a spray can, I dunno, but personally, hot and sweaty female bodies get me all worked up. Rawr…

Oh, great. Now I need to head out to the ranch and stand in line behind Scooter and Niels so I can hose myself down. I just hope no one will be playing it in slow motion with porno music in the background while I’m doing it.

My dad grew up on a farm and he wanted to make a few comments about cows. First, if a cow rips ass, it lifts its tail or moves it to the side or something. When Megan stepped back and started gagging, it wasn’t because of a sound effect added by the editors. Second, he says that massaging a cow’s udder will make the milking go faster and more smoothly. Kinda like starting your engine and letting it run for a minute before shifting gears, except cars generally don’t have white, liquidy stuff shooting out the back while you’re driving.

I wonder if Megan and Scooter played football when they were younger because when they were tracking down the sheep, those were some pretty impressive open-field tackles.

“You might be a redneck if someone yells ‘Ho down!’ and your girlfriend hits the floor!” Make your own jokes here.

I wonder what it would have been like for everyone to see those opening interviews and realize how much they’d changed during the course of more than a month. Two weeks for me… not nearly as shocking. Especially since I still sit in the corner and drink punch when I go to dances in middle school.

“You’ve all changed and I haven’t because I’m perfect! Neener, neener, neener! Ptpbptpbptbtpptb!!!”

Hearing Mike’s question: $1000 of TV time. Watching the person think: $3000 of TV time. Seeing Scooter’s eyes bugging out so many times during the elimination: priceless.

I really, really wonder how embarrassed Nate was while Cecille was hanging on his elbow and explaining “their” team motto: “You can take the blonde off the ranch, but you can’t take the bikini off the blonde.” Hell, I wonder how embarrassed he was in general about her attitude for the last couple weeks.

And three cheers to Nate for sneaking out the window to pounce on Jennylee during her final interview! And if he did sneak out, that’s the route he took—there are a lot of people to walk through between a room on the second floor and the front driveway.

Posted on

A defendant’s wet dream

The defendant, who was on trial for assault and battery, claimed he barely pushed the victim. The prosecuting attorney, treating this story with derision, aggressively cross-examined the defendant. Finally, the prosecutor invited the defendant to step down from the witness box and demonstrate with the prosecutor how hard he had pushed the victim.

Secretly, the prosecutor assumed that, reacting to the hostility of the cross-examination, the accused would push him fairly hard, thereby guaranteeing his conviction.

The defendant no sooner stepped off the witness stand when he started punching and battering the prosecutor. Finally, after he had given him a righteous thrashing, he turned to the jury.

“I pushed the victim in this case about one-twentieth that hard.”

The jury unanimously acquitted him.

Posted on

From Actual Court Records

Defendant: Your Honor. I just want to say that what I did I know was wrong, but I didn’t know the extent to the sentence and stuff.

Judge: You didn’t know what?

Defendant: I didn’t know that I could get involved like this. I thought it was a misdemeanor or something like that, and if I got caught they would just suspend my food stamps for a while and I would go back. I didn’t understand the law. That’s the reason why I have always lived according to the law, but I made a mistake and I’m sorry.

Judge: In other words, you would commit the crime if it was a misdemeanor but not if it’s a felony, is that right?

Defendant: Not if it’s a felony.

Posted on

I said I’m fine!

Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?

Farmer: That’s right.

Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s auto hit your wagon?

Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I’ve never felt better in my life.

Posted on

GOOOOOOOOAAALLLLL!!!

What a bad way to start the week. (Or end the week, depending on whether you think it starts on Sunday or Monday.)

I’ve been playing on a co-ed soccer team called “Mad Dogs” for about 3 1/2 years now. As a defender, I rarely have the opportunity to score a goal—it’s usually more important to keep the other team from running up the score—but the indoor winter leagues have a shorter field, so I’ve made a couple runs during the last few weeks. I keep thinking, “This could be the week. I could put the ball in the back of the net this time.” Today, I was right. I scored my first goal in 3 1/2 years. And it went in the back of the wrong net.

The other team had a corner kick, so the girl booted the ball down the line right towards the goal. I was the closest player to it, so I ran up to try and knock it away. Unfortunately, I had my body turned in a way so that instead of the ball bouncing back towards the corner, it deflected off my shoulder and directly into the goal. That’s when I said a bad word. It was… well, I did it in the bathroom about ten minutes before the game started (and no, it wasn’t the “f-word”, ya perverts…).

On a positive note, the Super Bowl was tonight! I was really tired and slept through the first half, but thankfully, we’ve got a VCR—I know, I live just a few years past the Stone Age—so I’ll have plenty of time to watch the commercials later. I have to say, my favorite was [insert a good one here]. It made me laugh, it made me cry and it made me hungry for more salsa con queso. With all three of those at the same time… life is good…

Posted on

S3, Episode 5: “Let’s get those bitches!”

It’s amazing how the mansion gets bigger as the number of teams gets smaller.

Oh, great. Cecille thinks she’s Paris Hilton. All she needed was a purse to stuff the chihuahua in and she would have been as happy as a dog sniffing butts. Someone call PETA!

Seriously, though, did she ever think about the effect of those bracelets around its neck? Not just the strangling effect, but what it would do to Nate’s chances for getting phone numbers. Being a gay film student may have worked for Chuck during Season 1, but why would a fruity dude carrying a fruity dog be asking for girls’ digits?

Can you imagine what those three girls at the end of the challenge thought when two strange guys with dogs did a bum rush in their direction? “Oh my God, we’re being attacked! Someone throw a doggie bone over there to distract them so we can make a break for it!”

Niels, I feel your pain about getting phone numbers, buddy…

Apparently, the plastic bands for necklaces wasn’t cutesy enough for Cecille. An animal print cloth for a roof? That thing might have worked as a large-scale sun umbrella, but a dog house… sheesh.

The other three, hey, they were functional, but I admit I was rooting for Megan because she put up that row of shingles. If you want to prove you’ve got some mad carpenter skills, make the shingles happen, baby.

And there we have it! This season’s beauty/geek love connection! Not like it was a big surprise—according to the interview clips the editors picked out, those two have been gushing over each other for weeks now.

I thought that for the first time in three seasons, we were finally going to see a tie-breaker before the final episode. No such luck. People are probably speculating that there are multiple questions on the cards to try to prevent stuff like that from happening—I can relate to that theory—but when the question includes the phrase “according to your study materials”, the answer usually isn’t the one the viewers think it should be. Season 1: “According to your study materials, who is supposed to pay for the first date?” Bill said the guy (the answer most people would have given), but in the book, it said it’s the person who asked the other one out. What a pisser…