Author: Shawn

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I [BLANK]…

I stole this idea from another person’s blog—I’m gonna do a fun version first, then perhaps try something more sincere later. Perhaps…

I’M AMAZED… at how a little extra gasoline can make a house burn so much faster.

I DOUBT… I’ll do “The Chicken Dance” ever, ever, ever!

I CAN’T SEE… “clearly now, the rain is back…”

I WANT TO BEAT WITH A SOCKFUL OF QUARTERS… the washing machine at the apartment building.

I’M ADDICTED… to smack. I can’t stop talking it. Way too much fun to talk smack.

I FEEL BAD… about an hour after eating at Taco Bell.

I WATCH… people on the sidewalk and wonder how many of them have really bad gas this morning.

I LISTEN… to the voices in my head way too often.

IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS… I’d buy a million things off the dollar menu at a fast-food restaurant and still have $10,000 to spare (before sales tax).

I WANT… a cookie. Not just any cookie, mind you—I want your cookie.

I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT… oxygen for longer than a couple minutes.

I’M OBSESSED… with having an equal number of boogers in each nostril.

I THINK CHILDREN… are out to get me.

I CAN’T WAIT… to pee while I’m driving on the interstate at 3:00 in the morning and all the gas stations are closed, so I wet myself and feel oh so much better!

I’M PROUD… that’s all. I’m just proud.

I HAVE A DREAM… pretty much every night.

I ALWAYS WEAR… my underwear until it has holes in it, though I usually wash it once or twice before that happens.

I FEAR… the monsters under my bed and the skeletons in my closet. They’re even worse than the children out to get me…

I WISH… for more wishes.

I ONCE ACCIDENTALLY… put it in the wrong hole and she punched me really hard.

I NEVER… want to see my parents having sex ever again. Not even on home video with porno music playing.

I’D KILL TO… have something to eat after my flight crashed into a mountain.

I MISS… when I try to shoot a target, but don’t hit it.

I’M LOATHE TO ADMIT… traffic violations when a cop pulls me over.

I’LL NEVER FORGIVE… those two hookers who gave me the clap last August (even though I shorted them ten bucks).

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Why is 30 *BIG*?

I don’t feel any different than yesterday (aside from being woken up by my uncle singing “Happy Birthday” this morning), but something about round numbers is really appealing to people, I suppose. Plus the price of car insurance goes down when you turn 30. Yay 30!

So here’s a happy birthday story to let you all know how much of a party animal I am. At approximately 2:00pm, October 19th, 1976, I popped out of my mommy’s tummy. My first act was screaming my damn fool head off (though technically, it did remain attached to the rest of my body). My second act was to show my gratitude to the doctor for removing me from the warm and comfy place where I had been residing: I pissed all over him. My third act, just in case the doctor didn’t realize just how thankful I was, was to take a dump on his scrubs. Thus, my family quickly discovered that all three ends worked.

Now, 30 years later, I have a little more self-restraint. I’ve developed an indoor voice and I’m potty-trained (for the most part), so I found out that they’re still functioning properly this morning without as much fanfare. However, when my uncle came to my room singing “Happy Birthday” and tried to drag me out of bed, thus removing me from the warm and comfy place where I had been residing…

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Merrrrry birthday!

I picked up the mail on Thursday and was greeted by a catalog from Fleet Farm that had a smiling Santa Claus on the front. It wanted to make sure I knew that “Toyland Opens Saturday, October 14 at 7:00am!” I’m turning the big THREE-OH on the big NINE-TEENTH and I have a declaration to make:

It is morally improper to encourage someone to BUY MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!! The length of time it takes people to shop for the holidays nowadays is so very, very wrong…

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A real(ity) apology

Besides the general announcement for WIDE VARIETY THEATRE below, I sent out a few personal messages to people who live in the L.A. area. I wrote to Tyson from BATG 2, but he lives about 6 hours north of there. However, he recommended that I write to Wes and Cher since they’re about 20 minutes away from Hollywood. Their response was one of surprise for a verrrrrry good reason: when writing my recaps during Season 2, I did some serious Cher-bitch-slapping. But the bad part isn’t that I did it in the first place—it’s that I should have known better.

This is a topic I railed upon multiple times while I was up on the screen, but I think I only glazed over it once during the show’s second run: what appears on reality TV and what actually happens can be all across the board. That’s one reason why it takes several months to do the editing for shows like this—they have hundreds and hundreds of hours of interviews and camera footage to sift through, trying to create the characters they want.

People can sound smart or stupid; they can perform well or horribly; they can act mature or childish. I know I did all of ‘em at one time or another, though childish had a tendency to dominate my behavior. (Not like you wouldn’t have known by reading everything in here.) But for every episode, the editors decide which character they want each person to be. Episodes 3 and 4, I was a scared little pussy, but when Episode 5 rolled around, I was stunningly heroic and tolerant. Guess what? That was me! All of them! But they were only the little bits and pieces of me that the editors wanted each time.

So like I said, I should have known better for my Season 2 recaps because the same pretense applied. Instead of thinking about the little bits and pieces, I was watching the show like everyone else: sitting in a recliner, eating popcorn and shaving my pubic hair. Okay, maybe that last part was just me, but I wasn’t thinking about the footage that ended up on the cutting room floor, I was thinking about what the producers were showing me on the screen.

During one episode, I’d write, “That person is an asshole!” The next week, “Gosh, that person isn’t so bad after all.” Evil and nice! Still the same person! Every time a “change” like that happened! (Insert sound of slapping myself in the forehead here) Duh… I knew that, but I didn’t put up a disclaimer or anything and I should’ve known better. Thus, to Cher and Chris and everyone else who’s “evil” on reality TV but isn’t in real life:

My bad.

(Good luck editing that out, fuckers!)

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Enjoy complimentary wine, cheese and what?

For those of you living in the L.A. area, I’m posting a brief promo for “Wide Variety Theatre”. Yes, it sounds pompous and egotistical, but I have two friends from Minnesota (who aren’t pompous and egotistical) who will be performing there. Since I love them to itty-bitty pieces, I figured I could throw something in here to try and pack the “theatre” a little more. Thus:

Sandra K. Horner presents… WIDE VARIETY THEATRE
October 16th and October 18th
Showtime — 8:00PM
Tickets: $10 at the door * Studio Alumni $5
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THE COMPLEX – DORIE THEATRE
6476 Santa Monica Boulevard, Hollywood
(3 blocks east of Highland @ Wilcox)
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Arrive early for the best seats, enjoy complimentary wine,
cheese and condoms
Valet Parking available both evenings
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For reservations and information, call (818) 997-6740
or e-mail widevtheatre@aol.com
Rated R for sexual content & dialogue, nudity & some alcohol use
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My friends are Matthew Feeney and Melanie Nolen and I hope to God that Matthew isn’t the one providing the nudity in the show. Just trust me on this one… Beyond that, for those who can attend, I hope you enjoy the show. (If you don’t enjoy the show, lemme know so I can slap them around a little when they get home.) For those who can’t, please continue with your lives as planned. If you feel a little empty space in your heart on the nights of the 16th or 18th, never say I didn’t try to help.