Author: Shawn

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Jesus Christ, Frat Guy

Superstar, Frat Guy, what’s the difference? I’m not sure. I mean, I can see Elvis in either position—he was obviously the King, but he also had a tendency to get smashed on booze, drugs and cheeseburgers. Or maybe it was pizza, in which case all he’d need to do was be enrolled in a college and go on tour instead of attending classes.

So maybe there isn’t a difference, in which case this script seems very appropriate. Even though he’s not the King, The Son might not be that much different. Cheeseburgers and pizza might not have existed during his time, but he definitely spent a lot of time on tour.
Continue reading “Jesus Christ, Frat Guy”

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Q & A: This is the Bottom Line, Because I Said So*

By Shawn Bakken, Staff Bearer

* This column may offend some people. I recommend you suck it up and deal. The world isn’t going to bow to your personal preferences. And don’t waste your time bitching to me. If you can’t take a joke, I don’t want to have anything to do with you. Or your mother. She was great last night, you know… Continue reading “Q & A: This is the Bottom Line, Because I Said So*”

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Michael Jackson Attacks Own Bodyguard

By Shawn Bakken, Staff Reporter

It seemed like just another ordinary day at Neverland, Michael Jackson’s ranch and amusement park. After cruising around on the quarter-mile go-kart track for twenty minutes, Jackson was walking toward the Ferris wheel until Bryce Handle, one of the bodyguards hovering around the grounds on a regular basis, said something quietly to another guard and turned to go into the main building. Jackson immediately attacked the 4-year veteran of his staff, leaving several scratches across Handle’s cheek. Shortly thereafter, Handle received a memo on official Disney stationary informing him of the immediate termination of his position in Jackson’s Magical Kingdom. In response, Handle is suing Jackson for $100 million. Continue reading “Michael Jackson Attacks Own Bodyguard”

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Philosophy Department Believes It Does Not Exist

By Shawn Bakken, Reporter

Just when people start to think that philosophical thought has become stagnant and nothing remains to be discovered, something occurs similar to a recent development in the Kenyon Philosophy Department. In accordance with several collective incidents and plenty of thought on the matter, the faculty members have reached a general consensus that they do not exist. Continue reading “Philosophy Department Believes It Does Not Exist”

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The school newspaper that never existed

During my senior year as an undergrad, the guys in my apartment decided it’d be cool to make a spoof paper and send it out to various friends and professors, the janitorial staff, some squirrels living in the backyard and your mom. Unfortunately for all the aforementioned parties (or perhaps fortunately, depending on your point of view), the paper never came into existence, primarily because I was the only one who wrote any articles. So the following three entries were my attempt at creating a bit of love and joy and sexual healing throughout our little village in Ohio. You’ll have to decide for yourselves whether they would have worked or not. Especially on the squirrels.

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Technology Gone Berserk

You’ll have to blame Radio Shack for this entry. See, I occasionally have illusions of grandiosity—while my activities have been limited to appearing in cable access shows up to this point, my brain sometimes roams to various themes of jokes that I could use in a comedy club. When I read this particular Radio Shack ad, it had a bunch of cell phones on the last two pages.

At that point, I was thinking about how if I ever got one, it’d be the flip-open kind just because it’s easier to cover up your mouth when you’re talking smack about someone sitting next to you at the dinner table. Then I started looking at their little screens and saw some text messages, a little bowling alley… that’s when this all started building in my head. It took a little extra effort to convert a standup act into something for TV (that isn’t Last Comic Standing), but I think it paid off. Or maybe the script is crap and it has illusions of grandiosity of its own. Continue reading “Technology Gone Berserk”