Category: Beauty and the Geek

(My apologies about the tardiness of this entry—I’ve been having computer problems and had to steal someone else’s to write this.)

Have you ever banged your head against a rock repeatedly? I have. (You can probably tell. And not just because of all the dents.) Banging your head against a rock hurts like hell, much like when you try to explain simple concepts like “Money isn’t everything” to someone who… well, who does believe that money is everything.

You’re going to be on a ranch, doing ranch-like activities and you go for the cutesy, yet painfully uncomfortable boots? But at least Megan was willing to run in them. Has Cecille never seen an athletic female running along the beach with a light layer of sweat glistening in the sunlight? Maybe she hasn’t if she gets her skin color from a spray can, I dunno, but personally, hot and sweaty female bodies get me all worked up. Rawr…

Oh, great. Now I need to head out to the ranch and stand in line behind Scooter and Niels so I can hose myself down. I just hope no one will be playing it in slow motion with porno music in the background while I’m doing it.

My dad grew up on a farm and he wanted to make a few comments about cows. First, if a cow rips ass, it lifts its tail or moves it to the side or something. When Megan stepped back and started gagging, it wasn’t because of a sound effect added by the editors. Second, he says that massaging a cow’s udder will make the milking go faster and more smoothly. Kinda like starting your engine and letting it run for a minute before shifting gears, except cars generally don’t have white, liquidy stuff shooting out the back while you’re driving.

I wonder if Megan and Scooter played football when they were younger because when they were tracking down the sheep, those were some pretty impressive open-field tackles.

“You might be a redneck if someone yells ‘Ho down!’ and your girlfriend hits the floor!” Make your own jokes here.

I wonder what it would have been like for everyone to see those opening interviews and realize how much they’d changed during the course of more than a month. Two weeks for me… not nearly as shocking. Especially since I still sit in the corner and drink punch when I go to dances in middle school.

“You’ve all changed and I haven’t because I’m perfect! Neener, neener, neener! Ptpbptpbptbtpptb!!!”

Hearing Mike’s question: $1000 of TV time. Watching the person think: $3000 of TV time. Seeing Scooter’s eyes bugging out so many times during the elimination: priceless.

I really, really wonder how embarrassed Nate was while Cecille was hanging on his elbow and explaining “their” team motto: “You can take the blonde off the ranch, but you can’t take the bikini off the blonde.” Hell, I wonder how embarrassed he was in general about her attitude for the last couple weeks.

And three cheers to Nate for sneaking out the window to pounce on Jennylee during her final interview! And if he did sneak out, that’s the route he took—there are a lot of people to walk through between a room on the second floor and the front driveway.

It’s amazing how the mansion gets bigger as the number of teams gets smaller.

Oh, great. Cecille thinks she’s Paris Hilton. All she needed was a purse to stuff the chihuahua in and she would have been as happy as a dog sniffing butts. Someone call PETA!

Seriously, though, did she ever think about the effect of those bracelets around its neck? Not just the strangling effect, but what it would do to Nate’s chances for getting phone numbers. Being a gay film student may have worked for Chuck during Season 1, but why would a fruity dude carrying a fruity dog be asking for girls’ digits?

Can you imagine what those three girls at the end of the challenge thought when two strange guys with dogs did a bum rush in their direction? “Oh my God, we’re being attacked! Someone throw a doggie bone over there to distract them so we can make a break for it!”

Niels, I feel your pain about getting phone numbers, buddy…

Apparently, the plastic bands for necklaces wasn’t cutesy enough for Cecille. An animal print cloth for a roof? That thing might have worked as a large-scale sun umbrella, but a dog house… sheesh.

The other three, hey, they were functional, but I admit I was rooting for Megan because she put up that row of shingles. If you want to prove you’ve got some mad carpenter skills, make the shingles happen, baby.

And there we have it! This season’s beauty/geek love connection! Not like it was a big surprise—according to the interview clips the editors picked out, those two have been gushing over each other for weeks now.

I thought that for the first time in three seasons, we were finally going to see a tie-breaker before the final episode. No such luck. People are probably speculating that there are multiple questions on the cards to try to prevent stuff like that from happening—I can relate to that theory—but when the question includes the phrase “according to your study materials”, the answer usually isn’t the one the viewers think it should be. Season 1: “According to your study materials, who is supposed to pay for the first date?” Bill said the guy (the answer most people would have given), but in the book, it said it’s the person who asked the other one out. What a pisser…

… and Payback’s name is Cecille.

I swear to God, this is the first time I’ve thought, “Please don’t put her on the screen again. Pleeeeeease… I know she’s got great breasts, but that smirk hurts me in my soul.” Naturally, the editors ignored me.

During Season 1, they gave us champagne at the end of the challenges. On Sundays (our day off), there was enough for two beers each. Now they have no qualms about people getting wasted. Seeing Erin dance on the boat in her heels might have seemed hot, but I’m surprised the producers weren’t more concerned about her slipping and cracking her skull open. Drunk = good TV. Death from being drunk = not-so-good TV.

Speaking of drunk, the circle of blondes has been broken! Cecille’s bitching about Niels drove everyone out of the room!

I was giving Niels props before: he took a stand against the spoiled Jennylee, he defied the standards of fashion when choosing his makeover and succeeded… now I think he’s just a stubborn dick. He wasn’t supposed to be teaching the girls martial arts on the beach. They weren’t wearing gis, they weren’t taking their shoes off at the edge of the mat and they sure as hell weren’t bowing to him at the beginning of the class. (On the other hand, crawling around like a bear did give him a nice view of their haunches.)

Nate, do us all a favor and burn those tights. Please.

Scooter told the girls about 3rd position in ballet; Megan said if a guy brought her to a ballet, she’d think he was gay. Hmmm… I bet that’s why he was in the threesome! Chicks always dig the gay guys! Man, sometimes being straight really sucks… (And that was me being sarcastic, so for all you male readers out there, please don’t give me your phone numbers. If you really want to give me a call, try 1-800-555-I-DON’T-DATE-GUYS!)

Wasn’t it nice how encouraging the host was while the girls were searching for the walkie-talkies? “Someone’s found a box! She’s opening it… oh, snap! It’s empty! Sucks to be you!”

I wonder how close the race on the kayaks was. Seriously. I’m thinking Megan reached shore about five minutes after Cecille did. I’m also thinking that if all five guys had thought up decent upper-body workouts on the beach, paddling to the other side would hurt like hell.

“It’s only fair that since you sent us to the elimination room, we should send you now.” Why did they show Jennylee and Niels’ reaction while Cecille said it? Is it the slightest bit possible that there was a hint of remorse on her face because she kinda liked Jennylee? Naaaaah… she’s evil, remember?

Seeing Nate jumping up and down when Jennylee got her questions right was really funny and really weird at the same time. I remember thinking “Oh, Jesus…” while Richard was bouncing around and yelling “Gadzooks!” when Scarlet and Mindi were in the elimination room—I can only imagine what the other people were thinking while Nate was doing basically the same thing.

Drew was wearing kind of a stylish outfit during his final interview (especially compared to the picture of the galaxy on his t-shirt in the first episode). Do you think they gave the guys more than one makeover set of clothes? Make sure they were dressed up nice before hitting the road? Just a thought.

And the other half of the “Beauty and the Geek” coin is about to fall. They already found someone to be evil—now it looks like a geek will be hooking up with a beauty next week. Tune in to see…

Awwww… why not let Nate get his mullet? If anyone could make a redneck haircut look good, it’d be him.

“Okay, move your face around like this… chin a little lower, not as much teeth… here, like this…” As interesting and fun as “hands-on” learning can be, Andrea playing with Matt’s face looked ridiculous. “Then do this and say, ‘No, no, no…’” Sheesh.

How could all those ladies resist Mario with his puppy dog eyes? I’d pay at least $11 to hang with him. (Speaking of eyes, I thought it was kinda cool how they used a blurry screen when looking from his point of view, but maybe that’s because my vision is pretty blurry when I’m not wearing my glasses, too.)

I think the biggest reason why Niels got the highest bid (aside from being a sexy beast) was because he was the last geek on the auction block. The last few guys got up on stage, shook their stuff, did some posturing and I didn’t think any of them stuck out as the “biggest prize” (i.e., they were all sexy beasts). By the end, there would be a couple of low bids and then they’d immediately jump up to the highest bid for the previous geek.

First Tori, now Jennylee… what is it with these girls? They have a dispute with their partners about a challenge or an elimination and suddenly, “I can’t talk to you anymore, I can’t even look at you, being in your presence gives me constipation!”

You wanna know why Andrea and Matt went to the elimination room? It’s because she had a seriously abrasive attitude. If you act snotty towards other snotty people, guess how they’re going to respond? They’re gonna try to kick your ass outta the house by pitting you against one of the strongest couples there every chance they get.

Unlike last season, the “bad guy” didn’t have a revelation and become a nicer person right before leaving the mansion. Exactly like last season, a new “bad guy” has stepped up and we’ll have to see how everyone responds to Cecille’s power-tripping after she and Nate survived a trip to the elimination room.

I definitely like Scooter now. Teasing skanks make a move on him, so he makes Cecille stretch waaaaay up to the ceiling and then she crashes and burns. Okay, maybe the fireplace was too far away for burning, but she definitely crashed. Hard. Good job, Scooter!

Either naked women are the geek equivalent of an Etcha-Sketch or they simply don’t listen to anything the host says. He introduced her as Sophia, she introduced herself as Sophia, the robe came off and *shake* *shake* *shake*… everything goes bye-bye.

I can accept that some of them might become afflicted with their brains being erased after being exposed to naked breasts, but c’mon… four stick figures worshipping one in Piao’s drawing? She had a nice ass, too!
While watching the drawing session, I felt the urge to walk up, grab Sophia and tell her, “Quit moving around so much! You’re ruining my stick figures’ attempts to worship your best assets!”

I wonder what a barbequed genome would taste like…

Sputnik, Mars Rover, Wright Brothers glider… what’s the difference? They all go up in the air, then come back down—what else do you need to know?

I hope the people in the museum got a real tour after going around with the beauties. I hate to think they’d go home thinking, “Wow… there really is life on Mars! I better go home and make some crop circles so they visit me tonight!”

After the first episode, I talked about how Sanjay should have been a better partner for Tori, given her more moral support, etc. After hearing some of Sheree’s criticism towards Piao, I think she needed even more help than Sanjay with relating to people on the opposite side of the beauty-geek spectrum.

After two relatively peaceful seasons, the beauties have finally descended into the lower realms of cattiness. The geeks are still cool and like each other a whole bunch, but it feels like the girls are willing to rip off people’s heads and spit down their throats to win the money. And that’s what they’d do to their friends…
Blondes vs. brunettes! Cage match to the death, no holds barred! May the best girl stay in the mansion! … So what happens next week when the blondes run out of prey since there’s only one brunette left? … Clique be damned! You’re all goin’ down!

Holy shit! They found a host who made it to a second season! What is the world coming to?

Holy shit! They got to stay out in L.A. for eight weeks! I was there for two! I got screwed!

So after two hours, does anyone know who’s going to win yet? Unfortunately, I found a website a week or two ago that had a few pictures from the show. More unfortunately, a few of those pictures were before-and-after shots of some of the geeks’ makeovers. Grrrr… Regardless, if we go by last season’s theory about who’s making it deep into the playoffs, given that they were on-screen for approximately three minutes, I’m thinking the teams of Niels and Jennylee and Scooter and Megan are in pretty good shape.

I’m not sure how much I like the new elimination room process. Having four questions instead of six and all four people in the same room was a nice change, but everyone else watching on a TV? Why? Sitting back and wondering who would open the door was a lot more interesting. Plus we always shared the questions and answers with the other teams waiting upstairs. Maybe the producers wanted more people saying “New York Stock Exchange,” making the people providing the wrong answers look even more stupid. Bastards.
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Side Note:

I don’t think people should get too pissy about Mario’s behavior. At the beginning of Season 1, Krystal walked into the room and introduced herself. Aside from being a cheerleader, she was really into astrology and Sylvia Brown (that lady who talks to the dead). My thoughts: “No way. No way in hell.” I had no idea what we’d be doing at the mansion, but I didn’t want to be paired up with someone like her. I’m guessing that they were all talking about who was gonna partner up with Cecille and, well, he had to express his sentiments out loud.

Right after Brad left to join Krystal, Richard went over to the other room to introduce himself. We didn’t hear what he said, but we did hear them all saying, “He looks like Urkel!” We all heard it. Through two sets of curtains. They didn’t say it using their “indoor voices.” They said it loudly. All of us were wincing, imagining what a slap in the face that must have been. That was before we realized that was probably the reaction he was looking for, but when it happened… ouch. Thus, when Mario heard the girls saying the same kinds of things… ouch.
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The Good:

Nate and Scooter figured out that they should ask the people wearing scrubs to apply the suntan lotion. People who work in a hospital aren’t gonna be nearly as squeamish about rubbing some random person’s back. (Get the feeling the producers planned that location for a reason? Me, too.)

Some of the geeks were really funny up on stage. Piao, on the other hand… I had thought to myself during the previews, “I wonder if they were allowed to swear during their routines.” Well, he answered that question pretty thoroughly: “[Bleeeeeep] that I [bleeeeeeep] and then she [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep] so I crossed [bleeeeep] and [bleeeeeeeep] her dog [bleeeeeeeep] until it couldn’t [bleeeep] anymore.”

Sheree found out it’s really easy to ask a simple question, then let the guest run off at the mouth about that topic until her time was up.
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The Bad:

The editors for making the babbling noises and the screen blurring a little while people were talking to Jennylee. Yes, maybe everything went over her head, but just let her look confused and be done with it.
Ummm… I don’t remember how the Dewey Decimal System works. I could make an educated guess ’cause I’m smart ‘n’ stuff, but off-hand… ummm… yeah.

We have our evil bitch! And she’s really evil! The hyper-critical Andrea is already prepared to stomp on Matt’s head and grind it into the floor and all it took to send her over the edge was not running out the library door. Think their team might be in trouble already? (It is nice to know that she didn’t want him playing dress-up with Cecille for his dignity’s sake, but c’mon, let the man be a pimp for a night.)

And what the hell was with playing dress-up and kissing Matt with the stuffed rabbit, anyway? Please tell me Cecille stopped sucking her thumb when she was a baby…

No one ran up, punched the host in the face, grabbed the $20K, then blamed it on someone else. Speaking of the money, what if only one partner tried to drop the baton? Would it stay in the other’s hand? Would Andrea have had to punch Matt in the face, throw the baton on the floor, grab the $20K, then blame it on someone else? Then we’d have another person who got a nosebleed during the first episode of a season!
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The Whiny:

Do I need to say it? To be honest, I almost wish Tori and Sanjay weren’t eliminated right away because it seemed like they could have gotten a lot more out of the experience. Sanjay would have learned a little tolerance for his partner and that you gotta support her even when she screws up big-time. “We’ll study harder for the next challenge” would have been better than silence when she was crying after finishing her broadcast.

That being said… damn. And all my ex-girlfriends call me an emotional basket-case. That girl’s gotta realize that at certain times, studying comes before beauty sleep. When it doesn’t, the results can be ugly. (By the way, I’m guessing she only zoned out once when they were starting her broadcast, but the editors played it twice to make her look even worse.) Then she demands moral support, but won’t accept help or apologies after it doesn’t come right away… damn. I’m guessing they were doomed to fail as a team, but I still think the individuals might have benefited from being in the mansion.
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A Final Note:

Holy shit! A threesome! … There’s gonna be a threesome next week?! And people say I wasn’t a geek…