Month: June 2005

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The height of success

After weeks of reading a multitude of posts on the WB’s Beauty and the Geek website, I feel the need to make an official statement. To the seven people (and their supporters) who have determined that Scarlet is too short to win:

You’re a bunch of idiots.

I know I’m not supposed to talk about what’s going on behind the camera, but I think it’s safe to assume that the producers didn’t set up a slam-dunk competition for any of the upcoming challenges.

If you want a challenge of your own, get a ruler and a cast photo. First, measure the height of the first step. Second, measure the difference between the tops of Mindi’s and Scarlet’s heads. Pretty cool how the distance is almost exactly the same, huh? And if you calculate the number of stairs between Scarlet and Lauren, you’ll find that the distance is almost exactly the same again.

At 6’4”, I’m tall enough that all three of them fit under my chin with their high heels on. Thus, if Scarlet’s critics are right, Lauren or Mindi would have spelled her doom by becoming my partner because “she’s too short to win.” Bummer…

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Fame in Minnesota

I’m not sure whether it’s the people here, but I get some of the strangest reactions from people when I see them/meet them for the first time. I still haven’t gone strolling through the Mall of America yet, but aside from that… no one’s initiated any kind of interaction. Not even the people who know me. Continue reading “Fame in Minnesota”

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Donations you shouldn’t claim on your tax return

There’s nothing wrong with telling the IRS that you gave money to good causes like Boy Scouts of America, ASPCA, Booger-Eaters Anonymous… whatever floats your boat. (I can’t say I’ve ever collected enough boogers to see if they could keep a boat on their surface, but stay with me here.) There are also groups that want stuff other than money, including Habitat for Humanity, Goodwill, Booger-Eaters Anonymous… maybe the members run out of their own once in a while, I dunno. But there’s one company that doesn’t fit into either of those categories: Cryogenic Laboratories, Inc.

I got a letter from them a while back asking me to donate “gametes.” For those of you who don’t know what those are—I had to look it up in the dictionary, too—they’re an essential element of spooge. These people want to pay me money to jerk off. Boy, when opportunity knocks on my door, it’s looking to pound it off the hinges. Since I don’t want to hoard the amusement for myself, here’s the letter with an added bonus: commentary by yours truly. And before you start asking, no, I haven’t been honing my donation technique and the keys on my keyboard aren’t sticky while I type this. Continue reading “Donations you shouldn’t claim on your tax return”

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Déjà vu all over again

Just when I think I’ve escaped from school, I’m back. Sorta. I only stopped by to pick up a transcript for my second effort at the bar exam and decided, “Hey, I need to be back in St. Paul for CPR training in three hours—why spend an hour on the road to head home and back?” So I spent the time in William Mitchell and tried to avoid feeling really, really awkward.

Fortunately, I thought about it beforehand and came here in disguise: I wore my William Mitchell College of Law cap. (It didn’t help that I hadn’t had a haircut in almost two months, but I’m gonna give myself some props anyway…) Armed with my street clothes and cap, I walked in the front door and prepared for the worst. Continue reading “Déjà vu all over again”

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“Can I get a grant for taking a shower?”

Tonight, Minnesota Citizens for the Arts (MCA) was having coffee with Pat Pariseau, our state Senator, discussing public funding for the arts—given that Minnesota has had a deficit since forever plus another year or two, they have to go through some budget cuts again. Thus, there were about a dozen locals sitting in a circle, introducing themselves to a person who could destroy their lives with a single finger, pushing a “NO” button during a Senate meeting. Ain’t power a beautiful thing?

Some of the people were members of an orchestra or choir, some worked for the city of Lakeville directly within the arts programs, some just did stuff like quilt-making on the weekends for a little added income. Then there was me. I introduced myself as “somewhat of an enigma” within that little group of people. After all, I haven’t had any direct contact with the arts since I was back at Kenyon, singing in the community choir and with Company, a musical theater group there.

Still, I told her about how I’ve been involved in a multitude of programs in the past—I’ve acted, I played piano and saxophone, I sang in the choir and performed musical theater, I’ve dabbled in writing on the side (yeah, dabbled… you can see how I’ve only been dabbling in here). I didn’t mention that my not currently being involved in the arts meant I eventually dumped all of the programs I was in, but I told her I went to law school, so I wasn’t going to graduate school for art or sewing quilts—nothing like that.

Why was I there? Because I know how important the arts are, both for people’s livelihoods and how they develop a person’s character. I’m probably a bad example when it comes to art benefiting someone’s character, but I imagine it works for other people…

But Pat had one question: even though I said I wasn’t involved in any of those programs, do I still sing in the shower? “Well, yeah, but it’s not publicly funded.” I suppose she could destroy that practice by pushing a “NO” button for budget cuts if they involve cutting off the utilities to my house, but if that happens, well, there were plenty of others at the meeting who support the arts and who probably have showers in their own bathrooms…

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Episode 3: “I do my little turn on the catwalk…”

Horror of horrors! Those were Chuck’s hands rubbing Scarlet’s back!
Girls: We have liftoff! (2-liter bottles + baking soda + vinegar = kablooey!)
Guys: C’mon, guys, let’s go shopping! (“They said my name and my jaw hit the floor.”)
I’d say I was speechless, but you could see my lips saying “Wow” a lot.
“You’re trying to form an alliance, aren’t you?”
Caitilin won one challenge, I won the other.
Richard and Mindi & Brad and Krystal go to the elimination room.
Brad and Krystal go home. (Richard vows revenge.)