Month: February 2007

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A defendant’s wet dream

The defendant, who was on trial for assault and battery, claimed he barely pushed the victim. The prosecuting attorney, treating this story with derision, aggressively cross-examined the defendant. Finally, the prosecutor invited the defendant to step down from the witness box and demonstrate with the prosecutor how hard he had pushed the victim.

Secretly, the prosecutor assumed that, reacting to the hostility of the cross-examination, the accused would push him fairly hard, thereby guaranteeing his conviction.

The defendant no sooner stepped off the witness stand when he started punching and battering the prosecutor. Finally, after he had given him a righteous thrashing, he turned to the jury.

“I pushed the victim in this case about one-twentieth that hard.”

The jury unanimously acquitted him.

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From Actual Court Records

Defendant: Your Honor. I just want to say that what I did I know was wrong, but I didn’t know the extent to the sentence and stuff.

Judge: You didn’t know what?

Defendant: I didn’t know that I could get involved like this. I thought it was a misdemeanor or something like that, and if I got caught they would just suspend my food stamps for a while and I would go back. I didn’t understand the law. That’s the reason why I have always lived according to the law, but I made a mistake and I’m sorry.

Judge: In other words, you would commit the crime if it was a misdemeanor but not if it’s a felony, is that right?

Defendant: Not if it’s a felony.

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I said I’m fine!

Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?

Farmer: That’s right.

Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s auto hit your wagon?

Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I’ve never felt better in my life.

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GOOOOOOOOAAALLLLL!!!

What a bad way to start the week. (Or end the week, depending on whether you think it starts on Sunday or Monday.)

I’ve been playing on a co-ed soccer team called “Mad Dogs” for about 3 1/2 years now. As a defender, I rarely have the opportunity to score a goal—it’s usually more important to keep the other team from running up the score—but the indoor winter leagues have a shorter field, so I’ve made a couple runs during the last few weeks. I keep thinking, “This could be the week. I could put the ball in the back of the net this time.” Today, I was right. I scored my first goal in 3 1/2 years. And it went in the back of the wrong net.

The other team had a corner kick, so the girl booted the ball down the line right towards the goal. I was the closest player to it, so I ran up to try and knock it away. Unfortunately, I had my body turned in a way so that instead of the ball bouncing back towards the corner, it deflected off my shoulder and directly into the goal. That’s when I said a bad word. It was… well, I did it in the bathroom about ten minutes before the game started (and no, it wasn’t the “f-word”, ya perverts…).

On a positive note, the Super Bowl was tonight! I was really tired and slept through the first half, but thankfully, we’ve got a VCR—I know, I live just a few years past the Stone Age—so I’ll have plenty of time to watch the commercials later. I have to say, my favorite was [insert a good one here]. It made me laugh, it made me cry and it made me hungry for more salsa con queso. With all three of those at the same time… life is good…