Are hand-washing instructions that hard to write?

Last time, it was a tiny bathroom at a hospital. Today, it was in Target: I saw a step-by-step process posted on the mirror above the sink that will get your hands nice and clean so you can go out into the store and grab merchandise off the shelves that’s been in people’s dirty, sweaty paws earlier in the day… Target is very concerned about your personal hygiene.

They’re probably environmentally friendly, too. That would help explain why the bathroom had those electric hand dryers that blow hot air onto your hands. They’re cleaner than paper towels, create less waste, etc. They also prevent you from following the step-by-step process posted on the mirror above the sink.

Steps 5 and 6: Dry your hands thoroughly with a paper towel, then use it to turn off the sink.

Is it really that hard to figure out what’s in the bathroom and adjust the instructions accordingly? Why not make a parachute that tells you to “Pull cord to release chute” and don’t include a cord, resulting in someone plummeting to an extremely painful, yet extremely speedy demise? Okay, fine, maybe that example is a little over the top—most people who shop at Target don’t have the kind of cooties that can kill you. At least not on their hands.

Do they make flame-retardant chip dip?

I was at a friend’s New Year’s Eve party last night and he talked me into putting a few drops of Death Sauce on a chip and eating it (or Hell Sauce or Fire Sauce or whatever that spicy stuff is that’s supposed to singe the hair on your chest when you eat it). That led me to two discoveries:

1) I chewed it with the right side of my mouth and the burning sensation was only on the right side… at first.
2) It took about eight hours for the sauce to pass through my digestive system and it burned just as much going out as it did coming in.