By Shawn Bakken, Staff Bearer<\/p>\n
* This column may offend some people. I recommend you suck it up and deal. The world isn\u2019t going to bow to your personal preferences. And don\u2019t waste your time bitching to me. If you can\u2019t take a joke, I don\u2019t want to have anything to do with you. Or your mother. She was great last night, you know\u2026 <\/p>\n
Q:<\/b> I like to wear a dress around campus in order to get people to ask questions about gender roles. How come they never ask me anything, just comment behind my back that I\u2019m probably gay?<\/p>\n
A:<\/b> Kenyon students were usually raised by good parents who told their kids, \u201cDon\u2019t talk to strangers.\u201d And for good reason: strangers are the ones more likely to grab you and try and stuff you in a sack with seven rabid wombats, tying it shut, answering your youthful shrieks of terror with dark, evil laughter, then squeezing the sack into the back seat of a Volkswagen and going off-roading for five hours before dumping your unconscious body in front of a gas station in the middle of Duluth, Minnesota\u2026 um, not that this has happened to me before or anything.<\/p>\n
But the point is, people have it in their heads to avoid freaky people because they\u2019re dangerous. If they ask you a question, you could respond in a calm, reasonable tone, but you could<\/i> just as easily take offense at having your fashion sense questioned and try to burn down their apartment at 4:30 in the morning. So it\u2019s best for them to ask parties who aren\u2019t you and try to find out the truth. If they can\u2019t do that, well, that\u2019s what speculation is all about.<\/p>\n
And you\u2019re in denial about your latent homosexuality.<\/p>\n
Q:<\/b> I\u2019m tired of walking through the Great Hall and having people stare at me all the time. I just can\u2019t handle being objectified like that. Enclosed are some personal photographs\u2014you can see the problem. What should I do? Shawn?<\/p>\n
A:<\/b> Huh? Oh yeah, question. Sorry, I got distracted by the pictures. Say, isn\u2019t it illegal to have these developed in Ohio? Okay, okay, that\u2019s right, I\u2019m supposed to be answering questions.<\/p>\n
There are a couple solutions, really, some of which have been addressed and some of which are dumb. Stupid solutions include rotating tables to block off the middle of the Great Hall and creating a serious fire hazard, comparing this situation to the civil rights movement of the 60\u2019s to try and guilt people into accepting a crappy solution, and walking through Upper Dempsey.<\/p>\n
No, wait, that\u2019s one of the good ones. We have other dining halls here for people to use for a bunch of reasons\u2014avoiding objectification seems like as good of one as any. You could also opt to start wearing clothes\u2026 baggy clothes! Start wearing baggy clothes! Or maybe you could carry a slingshot, so anyone who tries to leer at you the wrong way for more than, say, three seconds loses an eye. Tell you what, why don\u2019t you come over to my place? You can tell me all about it while I provide you with a soothing back rub and then whatever happens, happens. We\u2019ll fix your problem by being too\u2026 occupied\u2026 to attend meals in Pierce. Now that\u2019s a solution.<\/p>\n
Q:<\/b> Why is there such a negative attitude on this campus about fraternities?<\/p>\n
A:<\/b> Because they suck.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Shawn Bakken, Staff Bearer * This column may offend some people. I recommend you suck it up and deal. The world isn\u2019t going to bow to your personal preferences. And don\u2019t waste your time bitching to me. If you can\u2019t take a joke, I don\u2019t want to have anything to do with you. Or … <\/p>\n