First, there was nothing. Then, there was this guy. He didn\u2019t have a name. He decided a name would be good. He called Himself God. And if anyone mentions that He hadn\u2019t created language yet, He will smite them by dropping a piano on their blaspheming heads. Since God was the only thing around, He decided to create something. Unlike the second version of the Creation, the first thing God created was Time. After all, what\u2019s the point of making day and night, seasons or the Super Bowl if you\u2019re trapped in the span of a micro-second? So God made Time and then created the first wristwatch so He wouldn\u2019t miss \u201cER\u201d on TV after work.<\/p>\n
Thus began the first day. God thought, \u201cHmm… this empty void is rather annoying. How am I supposed to prop My feet up to watch TV if there\u2019s nothing here? I think I\u2019ll create something to stand upon.\u201d So God created the Earth. He stood upon it, and felt a sharp rock stick into His foot. Since cursing hadn\u2019t been created yet, all God could do was grumble and promise to make rocks the most worthless things in the universe. Other than the sharp rocks, God saw that it was good, but before He could do anything else, the alarm on His wristwatch went off, informing Him that it was time to watch \u201cER.\u201d He stopped working and sat down to watch the show, but then realized He hadn\u2019t created TV Cameras yet, so He laid down, waiting for the next day. Mostly because He had nothing else to do.<\/p>\n
Then came the beginning of the second day. And God saw… nothing. It was pretty dark. God realized that He needed light because He forgot to make an Indiglo wristwatch and couldn\u2019t read the display. He raised up His hands and created the heavens and sky and light and all that stuff you can\u2019t touch because God doesn\u2019t want you to. God doesn\u2019t raise His hands up like that anymore, but at the time, there was no one to laugh at Him, so He didn\u2019t care. So then He looked at His watch and saw what time it was. \u201cWow!\u201d thought God. \u201cThis light stuff works great! And I made it! Boy, I sure am cool.\u201d God thumped Himself heartily on the back. Then His alarm went off again and He found out what time \u201cER\u201d was supposed to be on. (Hey, if God wants a TV show to be on every night, don\u2019t argue unless you have a keen eye for falling pianos.) He got ready to watch the show before He realized that He hadn\u2019t created the Actors yet. Once again, God laid back on the ground, this time watching the sky to look for falling stars, but all He saw were a few satellites.<\/p>\n
The beginning of the third day started and God squinted at the light because He forgot to make Dark after creating Light, but since God rarely gets hung over, He could handle the brightness. God looked around Him and saw rocks. Just rocks. God thought this was extremely tacky, noting that He should create a fashion designer for advice some day soon. But first He decided to add some non-rock stuff to the land. God really liked the color white, since that was the first non-Dark color He created. So He made the ground white. For some variety, He made the trees and plants brown. On a whim. And He thought that was pretty groovy. He also decided that, after a bunch of days, He would make the colors change. Of course, He would have to create new colors at that point, but hey, He\u2019s God. He can handle it. Then the alarm rang in His ears again, so He got ready to watch \u201cER\u201d until He realized that He had yet to create the Director and Scriptwriters. \u201cBoy,\u201d He thought, \u201cthis universe-creating stuff isn\u2019t as easy as I thought.\u201d<\/p>\n
Up came the fourth day and God looked at the land again. He rather enjoyed the color scheme, but when He laid down on the ground and looked around, He could see everything for miles… which He quickly created so He would have some comparative measurements. After thinking about it for a bit, a time unit which He also quickly created, He decided to create terrain. Hills and mountains ripped up from the earth, which messed up the trees and plants a bit, but He liked the 3-D effect more than the color scheme, so He didn\u2019t care. The alarm went off sooner than He expected and God was afraid of falling behind in His plans. Still, it was time for His show to be on until He noticed that He forgot to create a TV. Sighing, God laid back against a mountain and waited for the fifth day to start.<\/p>\n
Which it did, right on time. God looked at the land again and wondered what was wrong with it. There was lots and lots of land, with mountains and trees and things, but something was missing. He thought for several bits this time, but nothing was coming into His head. Over His lunch break, God decided to create Budweiser (unfortunately creating the first three frogs with it… luckily, he didn\u2019t make a female frog, so they quickly died off). He cracked open a can, took a huge gulp, and quickly realized that since He had just created the stuff, He had no tolerance for alcohol. God staggered around the landscape for another bit, then felt the uncontrollable urge to relieve Himself. He walked up to the side of a mountain and let \u2018er rip! And the mountain crumbled into itty-bitty pebbles.<\/p>\n
God looked at the mess, but realized this was what He wanted. Water! Since God was unsure about how much Bud He could drink before throwing up, He wisely chose to create the rest. However, a surprising result occurred. Since it was the beginning of the year and very cold, the moisture condensed and it began to snow. God thought this was kinda nifty, so He didn\u2019t uncreate it. After His alarm went off, He decided that He had worked enough for one week and determined the last two days to be a weekend so He could take it easy and relax (all of which He hastily created, but got no credit for overtime since it hadn\u2019t been created yet). He sat down to watch TV once again, but realized that, without Electricity, the TV wouldn\u2019t work. It sure was a good thing that God created the weekend—He was wiped out.<\/p>\n
On the sixth day, God saw the layer of snow on the ground and saw that it reflected the light nicely. As He stood up, He took one step in the snow and fell down on His butt. Luckily, He landed in a snowdrift, so it didn\u2019t hurt at all. Since He had the day off, God decided to do something enjoyable with His time. He began experimenting with the snow, throwing rocks and plants on it. He noticed that plants often slid a long distance, so He found a large tree and created it into a sled. (What? You think God would make something through physical labor? C\u2019mon. If you could create babies out of thin air, would you bother having sex? Wait, don\u2019t answer that.) So God had His sled. He climbed up a mountain, which was hard work, but after getting to the top, He jumped onto His sled. Nothing happened. God started shuffling His weight around on the sled to get it to move. It worked. Boy, did it ever.<\/p>\n
God still hadn\u2019t created cursing yet, so all He could do was scream His head off as He went cruising down the mountain at blinding speeds. With the wind blowing in His face, God knew that this was what He wanted to do forever. He continued to accelerate until He reached the bottom and hit a rock, causing Him to fly into the air and land in another snowdrift. He stood up, getting ready to send the rock to Hell, which He created in the blink of an eye (yes, God had eyelids), but since it was the weekend, God chose to show the rock some mercy. He was in a really good mood. He continued sledding until His alarm went off and then kept sledding. He could handle missing \u201cER\u201d today. There was too much sledding to do and not enough time in the day to do it. God thought about lengthening the days, but remembered He worked more days in the week than He could sled, so that was out of the question.<\/p>\n
God kept sledding into the first part of the seventh day, realizing then that He still had work to do before next week. Looking at His work schedule and prioritizing, He chose to create Man and take the rest of the day off. Unlike future habits, God chose to finish His work at the beginning of the day instead of waiting until 10:00 at night and cramming a full day\u2019s work into several hours of a panicked frenzy. So Man came to be. He looked at God, God looked at him, and they both thought, \u201cGee, that face looks familiar.\u201d God showed Man the snow and His sled. Man snorted at Him. God shoved Man\u2019s face into the snow and held it there until Man agreed to go sledding. Once he took a ride down the mountain, Man had a lot of fun, maybe more than God Himself. The only problem was that the sled belonged to God. He only let Man sled down the mountain one time to His ten. Finally, Man got sick of it.<\/p>\n
After a ride to the bottom of the mountain, he dragged himself out of a snowdrift, grabbed a rock, and carved something into the bottom of the sled. He pulled it back to the top and sat down on it. God said, \u201cGive Me My sled back. It\u2019s My turn.\u201d Man said, \u201cNo, it\u2019s my sled now.\u201d God said, \u201cWhat?! How could that be your sled? I created it!\u201d Man smiled and said, \u201cI don\u2019t see Your name on it.\u201d He held up the sled, showing a rough carving of the letters M-A-N on the bottom. God got pissed and threatened to whitewash Man again. Man said he didn\u2019t care since God had to go to work tomorrow while he could stay on the mountain and keep sledding. God said, \u201cGo to Hell.\u201d *Poof!*<\/b><\/i> Man was gone.<\/p>\n
God took His sled back, slightly disgruntled, and decided that He\u2019d had enough sledding for today. A bit later, His alarm went off. God planned on spending a nice, quiet couple bits of time watching \u201cER\u201d and then go back to work the next day. Unfortunately, God hadn\u2019t created any commercials, so the show had no funding and was promptly cancelled. God immediately created cursing. \u201cShit.\u201d That night, God decided that He should start over. This time, He could sit up in Heaven and watch everyone else agonize through the week, enjoy the brief respite of the weekend, then go back to work for another week. Although He couldn\u2019t go sledding this way, He could still occasionally whitewash people. Or drop pianos on their heads.<\/p>\n
Once again, there was nothing. Then, there was…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
First, there was nothing. Then, there was this guy. He didn\u2019t have a name. He decided a name would be good. He called Himself God. And if anyone mentions that He hadn\u2019t created language yet, He will smite them by dropping a piano on their blaspheming heads. Since God was the only thing around, He … <\/p>\n