I\u2019m sitting here behind a table, waiting for someone to walk by so I can sucker him or her into buying baked goods for charity. I\u2019m sitting here\u2026 and no one\u2019s around. I\u2019m fairly certain the clock is ticking, but it sure doesn\u2019t feel like it.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m still trying to understand why time fluctuates the way it does. I mean, when you\u2019re having a good time, things whiz by like a tornado and you\u2019re stuck in a vacuum and then your head explodes. Um\u2026 okay, that\u2019s not the right comparison, but things seem to be moving pretty fast. Hell, even when you\u2019re scared because your car is tumbling over the embankment, down a cliff and right into Vin Diesel when he\u2019s trying to out-snowboard an avalanche\u2014that happens fast<\/i>.<\/p>\n
When you\u2019re watching<\/i> Vin Diesel out-snowboard the avalanche on the movie screen, that\u2019s<\/i> when you enter the time warp. You want to get up, go to the bathroom, get some popcorn, shoot yourself in the head\u2014anything<\/i> to make the suffering stop. But it doesn\u2019t. Every time you try to stand, your mother clutches your hands even harder because she freaks out whenever there\u2019s a big explosion and you\u2019re left with fingernail grooves in the backs of your hands half an inch deep plus a press-on nail or two and then when the movie is over a year and a half later, you wonder why the hell she finds that tattoo of three X\u2019s on the back of his neck \u201cdroolably sexy.\u201d Better wiping blood onto your shirt after the movie than some other fluid, I suppose.<\/p>\n
Hopefully you get the idea because I don\u2019t want to think about that movie any more than I have to. While I\u2019m sitting here with almost no one in the room and nothing to do but type on the computer, time is moving reeeeeeeeeally<\/i> slowly. Half an hour turns out to be five minutes. Quitting time is still fifty minutes away. That\u2019s how bad it gets. Counting off the seconds doesn\u2019t help much, either: whenever I get to 6000, it\u2019s usually been about eight minutes since I started. Except when I\u2019m using my calculator, I suppose, but I imagine I\u2019d send the sucker flying down a very large pile of snow and smash into a fire hydrant after a couple minutes (which would, of course, feel like 22 minutes and 35 seconds).<\/p>\n
So why do these changes happen? How come the stuff we despise lasts so long, while the stuff we enjoy comes and goes so quickly? (And how many women can attest to the latter sentiment?) Lord Almighty, if I knew, I\u2019d change it around faster than my head could explode. My best guess is that He\u2019s just equalizing things a little. If we can\u2019t make better use of our time, He\u2019s going to give us more and more until things change. When things do change, He takes time back to make up for the extra He gave us earlier. I suppose it\u2019s better than the government, which takes more money or not as much more money depending on the circumstances. Still, God\u2019s supposed to be omnipotent, omniscient, omnivorous\u2026 He\u2019s supposed to be the Fuckin\u2019 Man. So why can\u2019t He keep things moving slow and steady? As soon as that second hand moves a little further, I\u2019ll get back to you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019m sitting here behind a table, waiting for someone to walk by so I can sucker him or her into buying baked goods for charity. I\u2019m sitting here\u2026 and no one\u2019s around. I\u2019m fairly certain the clock is ticking, but it sure doesn\u2019t feel like it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[94],"tags":[162,802],"class_list":["post-5","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-school","tag-time","tag-william-mitchell"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1muBs-5","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shawnbakken.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shawnbakken.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shawnbakken.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shawnbakken.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shawnbakken.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.shawnbakken.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1158,"href":"https:\/\/www.shawnbakken.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5\/revisions\/1158"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shawnbakken.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shawnbakken.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shawnbakken.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}