You are. And that is enough.
While watching Wheel of Fortune earlier today, one puzzle was “Husband & Wife”. The ampersand was there, then after the contestants had chosen N and T, I figured out the answer: KEVIN FEDERLINE & BRITNEY SPEARS.
Here’s my dilemma: Should I be thrilled that I solved it so quickly or depressed that pop culture has tarnished my brain so thoroughly?
It’s the 5th anniversary of 9/11. What was once another day of another week of another month of another year is now a day of tragedy, of patriotism, of loss, of remembrance. But who owns it? When circling September 11th on your calendar, who belongs in that circle? It used to be people’s birthdays and anniversaries, new jobs and retirements, haircuts and doctor’s appointments. Now who do we think of? Now who owns the day?
Is it the terrorists? 9/11 has been burned into our minds. Every year, we feel the loss of the World Trade Center all over again. Seeing videos from five years past of fireballs erupting through the buildings on impact still chills me to the core. And we know why it happened: because terrorists hijacked some planes on an average day, flew them into New York City and created a pair of blazing infernos. Do they sit in their homes and bunkers knowing that they caused such devastation? Knowing that it was a moral and religious victory in their eyes and a loss in ours? Knowing that they own the day?
Is it the politicians? September 11th has become the justification for countless acts of war in the last five years. The terrorists attacked us on our own soil, so we should attack them on theirs. The terrorists remained anonymous until they hijacked the planes, so we should give up some of our freedoms to ensure that terrorists can never remain anonymous again. There are many instances when people have wanted to act, but had they done so, “the terrorists have won.” Do the politicians sit in their offices knowing that they can distract people through patriotism? Knowing that it can justify terrorist-like actions of their own? Knowing that they own the day?
My personal belief is still that it belongs to the people. It may mean more than birthdays and anniversaries now, but it is still a day to think of the goodness that resides in everyone’s heart. When the towers exploded, people converged. When the towers collapsed, people stood and offered of themselves. When the towers were nothing more than a memory, people made it a day of celebration. It is a day of loss, but it is a day to know we are alive and we are one as a people. September 11th may have its own page in the history books, but that page belongs to us. We, the people of the United States of America, own the day. God bless us all.
I’ve said many times that this damn well better happen because of the popularity of the show, but I now have solid evidence that Beauty and the Geek will be coming out on DVD! Now the only question is whether the WB will splurge a little and send me a free copy or if they’ll make me buy it off the shelves like everyone else…
I’m not sure why the postal system delivers things when they do, but I am oh-so-confused about some of the stuff I’ve pulled out of my mailbox over the last few days.
On Saturday, September 2nd, I got a letter from the American Bar Association. I only glanced at it briefly and can’t recall the details—I think they wanted me to pay some money to upgrade my membership from cool lawyer to super-cool lawyer. What I do remember is a little plastic space on the front of the envelope.
Well, technically, there were two. In one, you could see my name and address (I’m assuming that was for the benefit of the postal service). In the other, it asked me to please respond promptly. By August 31st. I haven’t the slightest idea who that was for the benefit of, given that there was no way in hell for me to reply by the requested response date. Maybe if my magic mailbox that can send letters four days into the past was working…
Then I got a package in the mail today, September 5th, from the Stephen King Library. They automatically send me his newest book as soon as it gets published; instead of paying $35 plus tax at the bookstore, I get it for less than $20 (which includes shipping, handling, and spanking the yak). I got a hardcover version of ‘Salem’s Lot a couple months ago—the full, unedited version that includes illustrations and four or five short stories at the end—but like I said, it came out a couple months ago. You’d think they’d space the release of new books a little further apart so they wouldn’t be fighting each other for space on the best-seller list, right?
Well, you’d be right. The package wasn’t a new book—it was the 2007 Stephen King Desk Calendar. I just have one question: When did New Year’s and Christmas start competing for which could start earliest in the fall?! I still have almost four full months left in my current calendar, but now, if I need to schedule an appointment on April 12th of next year, I’ll be set!
The last time I checked, people have been putting up their Christmas decorations the day after Halloween, but New Year’s has suddenly pulled ahead to start the day after Labor Day. I swear to God, if I ever see a holiday calendar in my mailbox on July 5th, I’m gonna upgrade my ABA membership just so I can sue Santa Claus for emotional distress. (If I win, then I can afford to buy everyone’s Christmas gifts that early.)
You may have seen it happen before. You’re at a restaurant. You’re chillin’ with your friends, talking, having dessert, seeing who can drink the most glasses of strawberry lemonade without running to use to the bathroom… just chillin’. Suddenly, the lights get dim. They were bright, then not so bright. It’s either really romantic or really annoying because you can’t see the check properly and end up giving the waitress a 120% tip.
Well, I’ve come up with a possible reason for that which might be surprising (and it’s not because the restaurant thinks its employees could use the extra cash). It’s a step beyond romantic—it’s like putting shots of Jagermeister in your lemonade. And you thought you needed to use the bathroom before…
The first clue was when I visited the Science Museum of Minnesota a couple years back. They have one area that focuses on the human body: “Here’s what germs look like!” “Here are different body types!” “Here are slices of an entire human body that were cut away in a tragic cooking accident!” And then there were two pictures of a single woman’s portrait.
There was a question on the wall: “Which of these women looks more attractive?” I looked back and forth for a minute—they seemed identical—but I ended up choosing the one on the left. It turns out that most people make the same decision because in that picture, her pupils are larger. That’s it. That was the only difference. Bigger black spots in the middle of her irises. And that made her appear more attractive.
[As a side note, back when we were filming Beauty and the Geek, the interviewer asked me what I thought was my partner Scarlet’s best feature. I said, “Her pupils.” I gave them the story about what I saw in the Science Museum, but if you break it down, I just really liked her eyes. That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy looking at other parts of her—Scarlet’s a very attractive girl—but I said it was her pupils. When the DVDs for the show come out, I’ll bet you a nickel you won’t see that discussion anywhere in the extra features.]
But like I was saying, bigger pupils make a person look slightly more attractive. Consequently, if you really want to hook up with someone, you can improve your odds by meeting someone right after going to the eye doctor and getting your pupils dilated. Then recently, I thought about how getting drunk can make people appear better-looking as well. (Thankfully, I don’t drink, so the only way your looks are gonna improve dramatically is if you turn the lights off, in which case I won’t be able to see you and it’ll be a moot point.) So here’s my theory:
If big pupils and drinking alcohol can make people seem more attractive, then mood lighting is the first cousin, twice removed of beer goggles.
I’d like to wish Porter and Marie a Happy Zero-th Anniversary and Casie a [CENSORED]th birthday!
Michael “Porter” Porter and Marie Johnston got married yesterday, which was one of the coolest weddings I’ve ever been to (and not just because I got to guard the guest book…). Why, you might ask? Well, if you did just ask, I didn’t hear you, but I’ll provide a Top 10 list of answers regardless:
1) It was held at the Science Museum of Minnesota, though we didn’t take pictures next to the dinosaur skeletons or the Bodyworks exhibit. For those who have never heard of Bodyworks, it’s an exhibit where dead people have had plastic stuff injected into their circulatory system or muscles or other aspects of the body, then everything else got removed. It might look like a sculpture of a bunch of arteries and veins, but there used to be flesh and bone surrounding them. (If I’m not doing the exhibit justice, well, that’s because we didn’t get to take wedding photos in there.)
2) We all had designated seats for dinner and each table was identified by a certain element. For example, there was tungsten, platinum and silicon (which some people kept calling “silicone”, thus providing a little insight into America’s obsession with boobs).
3) My designated seat at the tungsten table was between two hot chicks! Hell, yeah…
4) It was an M & M wedding. That’s not meant to refer to their first names both starting with M, though it’s an interesting coincidence. Maybe that’s why they fell in love, I dunno… But the “M & M” signifies a marriage between two members of Mensa, which helps explain the Science Museum, the elemental tables, etc.
5) Even though it was an M & M wedding, all of the places at the dining tables had a box of Nerds candy with a “thank you” note on the back and the little characters on the front wearing tuxes and wedding gowns.
6) The ceremony was performed by St. Toby, a local member of Mensa.
7) St. Toby concluded the ceremony with something to the effect of “By the power vested in me by the Flying Spaghetti Monster…” The result was a lot of laughter from people in the know and probably a lot of confused look on all the other faces. For those who have never heard of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you can find more information on Wikipedia. The Kansas State Board of Education’s requirement for schools to teach intelligent design creationism along with evolution—it happened in 2005, swear to FSM—so someone developed a religion in protest that… well, you’ll have to read about it.
8 ) Dinner was very yummy. Very, very yummy.
9) The reception was entirely dance music, some of which included Young M.C., Vanilla Ice, M.C. Hammer… three cheers for the early 90s! (I wish that there were a few slow dances in there—I would have liked to dance with pretty much everyone except for Porter, ’cause he refuses to let me lead…) And yes, that means I did dance, but #10 provided a little extra incentive:
10) The DJ gave everyone glow sticks to dance with, so there are going to be plenty of good pictures with those things spinning around on the dance floor.
So after having such a good time, I’m wishing the best for Porter and Marie for many, many, many, many years and maybe a couple more for good measure.
As for Casie (pronounced KAY-see) Perry, it was her [CENSORED]th birthday! Way to get older!
We were supposed to have met at the museum to wander around for an hour or two, go see the Bodyworks exhibit before the ceremony started, but she was held hostage by her friends during a birthday brunch. Bastards… (I had to learn about stem cell research and nanotechnology without anyone to keep me company!) Plus my sunglasses fell out of my pocket, so I’ll have to head to the optometrist to get another pair of those. But someone recognized me from Beauty and the Geek, so the afternoon was up and down.
Overall, yesterday was a day of celebration and I hope it’ll be worthy of a big ol’ party from here on out. (Mental note to self: August 27th is now an anniversary, a birthday and a good day to reminisce about how cool glow sticks are…)
