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S2, Episode 5: There’s a VIP party in my pants

NOOOOOO!!! Danielle and my evil twin brother Karl get eliminated. (Well, which one of us is the evil twin hasn’t been established yet, but he still left the mansion.)

What this means, of course, is that the three couples I picked out as staying around the longest because of their lack of air time are still there along with Cher and Josh. Am I good or what?

Given Karl’s mention of all the pythons in the room, I wonder how much Chris would have been strutting around after losing his clothes. You know, with him being cut and all. I also wonder if that was the purpose of the body waxing during the makeovers—so you wouldn’t be thinking of Guns N Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle” when the guys whipped off their shirts. And as a final note, I’d like to point out that when playing poker, it’s better to have a really good hand than to be really good at bluffing with a crappy one.

Josh received the most guests and became a social butterfly. I am shocked, awed and pretty impressed all at the same time. (I liked how they made him look like Richard asking for phone numbers—a whole lot of miserable failures, reactions to people ignoring him… if he had said something like, “Do you like garlic? ‘Cause there’s gonna be a lot at this VIP party,” I probably would have started crying.) As for Karl and Danielle… at least they had good food to eat while waiting for no one to show up.

Oh, and I would like to point something out regarding Wes and Cher hooking up. Perhaps the WB changed its policy for Season 2, but before Season 1 began filming, we had to sign yet another contract that disallowed certain kinds of physical contact. Had Wes and Cher been abiding by that contract while curled up in bed, they would have had limited options beyond making out. I think the list we came up with was trimmed down to dry-humping, footjobs and tossing the salad.

“I’m not asking you to make the decision, I’m asking for your personal opinion.” It seems Cher’s personal opinion was enough to tilt the scales away from Wes.

Finally, I seem to recall people getting kinda pissed that last season’s host was getting a little more involved in the show than he should have. If that was the case, then they must be gettin’ their mad on after this episode—the cameras showed him cracking up and having fun during strip poker, gave him a little monologue after Karl and Danielle left the elimination room (”You must have lost some good friends”)… I wonder if it’ll get any worse.

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I gotta be me… and no one else can be!

I imagine my Friends list could grow exponentially within the next few days because I’m telling you this, but it’s for a very important reason. Cheryl suggested that I get a Myspace page—a couple friends have their own pages and it’s a cool way to keep in touch with them (and their Friends lists could shoot up through the roof since you now know where to find them… they have my most sincere apologies if that happens). So I put one together and I’ve been playing with it a little bit for shits and giggles, but I found out this afternoon that the power of Myspace can be harnessed for evil: anyone can create a page pretending to be a beauty or a geek. Continue reading “I gotta be me… and no one else can be!”

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All systems are down!

I’d like to offer my apologies for the website croaking yesterday. I wrote about what happened when it happened and figured it’d explain things today. (Beware—foul language approacheth… like that’s ever stopped you from reading something before…) Continue reading “All systems are down!”

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S2, Episode 4: Hair, hair everywhere

My three couples are still around at the cost of Tristin and Chris. This time, I’m not so sure I wanted them to lose.

It still amazes me that it only takes one episode to change Chris from an arrogant bastard to someone who just doesn’t know any better until it’s too late. And I’m glad that his ability to make cards helped patch things up between Tristin and him.

Cher, on the other hand, has become the new Chris. Apparently, someone needs to be evil to create more suspense, so now she’s the money-grubber who doesn’t care about self-improvement. Personally, I was thrilled that before going to the elimination room, she kept telling Josh, “It’s up to you now.” How sensitive of her to be concerned about her partner’s feelings…

Holy crap! Karl does look like me!

I’m starting to wonder about Wes. He was really suave while winning the speed dating challenge, he looked like he could replace the host after getting his makeover, he’s hooking up with Cher next week… aside from tracking monkeys with lasers, does he have any geek credentials? I’m starting to wonder about him…

Speaking of hooking up, I’m a little disappointed that they revealed the couple during the preview for next week. Last season, it just showed some hands (belonging to Chuck) rubbing Scarlet’s back and her saying, “Oh my God…” That was suspense. That led to a lot of speculation on the Internet, discussion about the “scandalous” behavior (assuming they weren’t my hands)… that was drama. This was crap. Shame on the editors for spoiling everyone’s fun!

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My brain runneth over

I’m in one of those moods again. No, not for grabbing little puppies and using them as sponges to help clean my back in the shower. That’s reserved for special occasions… like Wednesdays. Since today is a Tuesday, it’s safe to let your dogs out of the kennel for a walk. Just don’t take too long—I’m heating up the water as we speak. And that’s by turning up the temperature, not making use of the hellfire-style chili I ate last night. Heating up water and shooting fireballs out of my sphincter are two very different things, one of which is much more hazardous for any puppies that might be involved.

Yeah, it’s pretty obvious that the studying is going to my head, all right. Little bits of knowledge getting smooshed together, trying to find little cracks and crevices in my brain tissue and hanging on for dear life, hoping that I’ll keep them around for another few weeks until the bar exam. Once that’s over, it’s a quick burst of head-shaking and kapoof! They’re all gone, Etch-a-Sketch style! Naturally, I’m trying not to wiggle my head around too much before then. As much fun as I have mimicking the bobblehead dolls in my room, that might screw me over even worse than when I did it in the kitchen and bashed my head against the counter. About fifteen times until the bobblehead stopped moving. Thankfully, there was only a family gathering that night, so I could get away with “Hey there!” instead of admitting that I couldn’t remember my mother’s name. Or my name, for that matter, but I try not to talk to myself too often in public. In private, though… I’m glad the puppies can’t tell stories.

Sitting here and reflecting, I’m pretty sure that there isn’t any steam coming out of my ears from overheating. There might be steam coming from other places after dinner last night, but not my ears. Of course, it’s hard to tell with headphones in there—if I pull them out and they’re sopping wet… hopefully, those little bits of knowledge haven’t drowned. I could be charged with negligent brain-cellicide and get stuck in the slammer for a couple hundred years. As if banging my head against the counter didn’t count for slammage and brain killage. (Making up words is fun when you’re a little loopy…)

Oh Lordy… Hopefully, that’s enough for tonight. I’m feeling better, my stream of consciousness hath runneth dry and I don’t think a puppy shower will moisten it enough to soak down my headphones. Things might change within the next four hours, though, so don’t push your luck—keep the dogs inside. And watch your cats while you’re at it—remember, variety is the spice of life. As long as it’s not as spicy as hellfire-style chili, I might give it a shot. But given how well cats react to water, those claws might leave a sensation nearly as painful. I better keep them away from my sphincter. And probably my brain, too. Slash marks in my head results in nuggets of information pouring out of my skull and I don’t want to have to relearn everything if I can help it…

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Acting your age is overrated

[First off, I’d like to apologize to my older brother, Brent—he turned 33 on January 9th and I never mentioned anything on here. My bad…]

Today is my little brother Justin’s 26th birthday. (Why little brother versus younger brother? Because I’m 6?4?, Brent is 6?3? and Justin… is 5?8?. Compared to us, he’s the runt of the litter.) We couldn’t get the family together today due to schedule conflicts, so we all met last week for dinner. At Chuck E. Cheese’s.

For those of you who don’t know, it’s one of those pizza places that has a huge playground, lots of coin-powered games and a huge robotic mouse that sings and wiggles around to the rhythm of the music. Did I mention Justin turns 26 today? Yep, our family is a classy bunch. But dammit, skeeball rules! Especially since you can play it for hours, get lots of tickets and use them to buy practical stuff like stickers and a cheap-ass plastic Slinky! Happy birthday, little dude!