Posts

Posted on

Un-Fuckin’-Believable!

I graduated from high school in ‘95, making this our class’s 10th year reunion. Every once in a while this summer, I’d wonder whether or not we’d be doing anything to celebrate—time was passing by awfully fast and nothing was happening. Sure, most of my close friends from school have moved a couple thousand miles away, but I thought it might be nice to catch up with some other people (especially since I’m a TV semi-celebrity now…).

I suppose it was bound to happen—someone would iron out a schedule with a few times and places we could get together. Upon picking up the mail this afternoon, I discovered that someone finally did. There’s just one problem: I got the notice today. The festivities start tomorrow. And I’ve already got plans for the entire weekend. Un-fuckin’-believable…

Posted on

Happy 40th Anniversary

Today commemorates the 40th anniversary of my parents’ marriage and it was perilously close to being a non-event: if it weren’t for a little added pressure earlier this evening, the day’s only significance would have been their visiting the Rainbow Foods in Lakeville that opened today and eating samples of a wide variety of exotic foods that no one would ever buy unless they won the lottery. Or unless the grocers laced the mini-sausages with a little something special for their new customers… Continue reading “Happy 40th Anniversary”

Posted on

Is that the Amway guy?

I went to T.G.I. Friday’s tonight to have dinner with my mother. The host gave me a table with a good view of the front door so I’d see Mom when she showed up (since I was getting there early, I ordered for both of us and the food arrived at our table just as she sat down). However, that also led to my occasionally glancing up when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.

Towards the end of the meal, I looked up and saw someone who looked like Steve (Amway Guy) walking in with… I don’t want to speculate who the other guy was. It might have been his sponsor, an unsuspecting victim or maybe Amway Guy was there with his grandfather so they could get plowed together. Regardless, I only had a few moments before they headed towards the bar, inconveniently hidden behind a wall.

Mom and I left about five minutes later and I was sooooo tempted to peek around the corner to see if it was him. What made me hesitate? I thought he might glance up, see me and change his facial expression…

Posted on

Waddle of the Penguins

“March of the Penguins” is in theaters now and I imagine the documentary is based on scientific theories to explain why it’ll walk 70 miles to knock up another penguin or waddle around with its young ‘uns huddled between its nonexistent legs (which essentially means they’re buried in its crotch). But why bother with scientific theories? Why not just ask the birds themselves?

“Excuse me, Mr. Penguin, why are you waddling around with your young ‘uns buried in your crotch? Is it to protect them from the elements?”
“No, I do it because it’s really frickin’ cold out and I’m trying to keep my nuts warm!”

Posted on

Anti-salesmanship at its finest

I think I ensured that the Amway guy won’t be calling me back.

He called and set up our meeting this afternoon so I could return his CD and he could answer any questions I might have. As you all know, my plan was to do the former and avoid the latter. I already had a plan set up in case he tried pressing the issue:

1) Someone was coming over to the house in half an hour and I didn’t have much time to talk (which was true).
2) I had my reasons not to join and I felt no need to share them.
3) I didn’t like the numbers [see: “Salesmanship at its finest”].

Thankfully, it wasn’t a problem. I walked in, said I was just there to return the CD and that was it. We headed towards the door, at which point he saw something sticking out of the CD case—it was the business card he gave me.

He was not pleased. The highlights of the conversation went something like this:

“You’re giving my card back?”
“I don’t need it for anything. Why, did you want to get together to hang out or something?”
“I take it as a slap in the face that you’re returning this.”
“I can take it back if you want.”

We got to our cars, I jumped into mine and said, “Take it easy.” He didn’t respond as I closed the door and drove away.

[Insert bitch-slap noise here.]

[Insert bitch-slap noise again several times over.]

Was having the card in there impolite? Most likely. Do I feel bad about it? Maybe a little, but it’s not like I’ve developed a reputation as being a good example of social tactfulness. Honestly, I never thought about it until “I can take it back if you want.” If that means I’m going to Hell… maybe I’ll end up wandering around in the fire and brimstone selling Amway products after all.