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why won’t this thing go off

hope everyone’s having a wonderful 4th of july. i’m having a great time celebrating except for the time i spent in the emergency room. sure, my parents told me not to play with matches or fireworks or anything, but who listens to their parents when they’re 28 years old.

so i was out on the lawn, lighting random stuff off, watching it blow up, making loud noises, setting small woodland creatures on fire—good times. but then one of them wouldn’t go off. the fuse shriveled down to nothing, then ‘pffft.’ nada. diddly-squat. ‘what the hell was that about,’ i thought. i paid good money for that whiz-popper banger thingie and i was gonna make sure it went whiz-pop-bang, dammit.

i decided to grab it and take a look at the bottom where the whiz-pop-bang should have started—i never made it that far. i got it to about nipple-level—thank god it wasn’t real close to my chest, ‘cause i’ve heard that singed chest hair smells really nasty… but like i said, i was lifting it up and KA-BLOOIE [HEY, COOL, CAPS LOCK]. the whiz-pop-bang started while it was in my hand and lemme tell ya, it stung a little.

so now i’m back at home in one piece. relatively speaking. i’ve got about 2 ½ … wait. 3 ½ fingers left. it’s hard to count when you don’t have any fingers to count on. i remember the good ol’ days when i could get to 10 without taking off my shoes… anyway, things aren’t quite as fun without any fingers—while driving home from the hospital, i tried flipping someone the bird and ended up kinda flopping my ring finger towards him instead. that was pretty lame, so i went and smashed his car into the median.

i want to make sure i’m done writing this soon in case the police find me, but i have to say, typing with your nose is a veeeery slow process. along those lines, i don’t think i’ll be sharing my love with you guys on tv anytime soon—i don’t have enough leverage to get real deep into my nostrils for any decent quality boogers. 2 ½ … no, 3 ½ fingers do that to a guy.

again, i hope you’re all enjoying yourselves today. i’ll probably be joining you in a little while—i just need to find a way to get this gooey stuff off my keyboard…

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Ah, screw the Episode 5 recap

There’s too much to say and not enough short blurbs to describe it. If you want a more in-depth explanation of what happened (provided the WB people don’t come down on my head for spilling some off-camera beans), click the link and I’ll try to provide you all with some additional insight. Continue reading “Ah, screw the Episode 5 recap”

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Close encounters of the second kind

Wednesday, June 29, 2005. Los Angeles, California. Several hours after shooting the reunion show footage. A bar called “Barney’s Beanery.” The men’s restroom. “Hey, I really like your show.” (I guess the second time someone recognized me in public was creepier than the first…)

I could barely hear in the bar because it was karaoke night. There was someone working the “stage” to ensure that people were signed up and “sang” in order. Using the blaringly loud sound system, she told the crowd (after identifying me amongst them) that she thought I should win because I was a Boy Scout. Her brothers were once Cub Scouts and did the Pinewood Derby (according to her, half the kids’ parents built their cars in that Cub pack…). Oh yeah, and continuing to yell into the microphone, she added, “The tent challenge was bullshit.” Meaning she saw the episode in which I was kicked off. Meaning I was really confused… and my ears were on the verge of bleeding.

I also got to see everyone from the show again—it was a good night.

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The cow has come home

I made it back to Minnesota (in one piece, no less) and it looks like I have a lot of stuff to talk about in the immediate future—I think you guys added about 50 comments while I was gone. But like I said, “in the immediate future.” As in “Not right now.” I’ve had eight hours of sleep the last two nights and I’m gonna crash reeeeeal quick.

Before I go, though, I want to thank you all for the support even though the buck stopped here. And I also want to say that I was thinking of you during the reunion show, but I couldn’t bring myself to jam my finger halfway up my nose in front of a live studio audience. Hope you can forgive me.

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I believe I can fly!

My flight out to L.A. for the reunion show will be taking off in about five hours. I’ll be gone until Thursday afternoon, so the usual recap on Wednesday won’t be there. If I’m lucky, I can set a time-delayed post that’ll appear that afternoon (without any juicy details, unfortunately); if I’m not, just write your comments here and I’ll figure out something else when I get back. Cheer me on!