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My leg feels naked now.

As the days passed and my impending doctor’s appointment got closer and closer, I kept thinking about what life would be like without my leg brace. So many things I took for granted before I had to wear it for six weeks after surgery:

* I could get out of bed and use the bathroom without having to clip anything onto my leg.

* I could move my shorts freely when sitting on the toilet instead of shifting them around at an angle across my lap because it was too much of a struggle to wiggle them down over the brace.

* I could take a shower without worrying about my underwear getting wet when putting it on or wearing a towel around my leg for half an hour afterward to make sure I wouldn’t soak anything else.

* Other things… well, maybe I shouldn’t have done them, but sometimes a man just needs to drive places. And shoot hoops in the driveway. And go bowling. Yeah, I didn’t exactly fill the doctor or physical therapist in on all of my recreational activities over the last six weeks. Continue reading “My leg feels naked now.”

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Another anniversary?

Five years ago. A side room at Benchwarmer Bob’s, a local restaurant/sports bar. TVs in the upper corners of the room that were tuned into Channel 23, the WB. 7:00pm CST. The first time I’d ever heard the song Opportunities by the Pet Shop Boys and then my face appeared on national TV.

Unfortunately, there’ll never be a reunion show unless the producers take compromising photos of the participants and make us all show up or they’ll release the pictures to some national tabloids. (For the record, any story about my being Larry King’s most recent wife is totally bogus.)

But people have gone their separate ways since then. I talk to Bill on the phone once in a while, went to Mindi’s wedding this summer and that’s about it. Still, I’d like to think that everyone has succeeded in whatever we’ve been doing over the last five years. Especially if Richard is still working at that carpeting store.

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What is “batcave blogging”?

I was logging into the blog a couple minutes ago to write a quick entry about a Facebook group called “America is not U.S.A. America is a Continent.” It’s true, America doesn’t consist solely of The United States of America; it’s all of North and South America. North America + South America = TWO continents. But that’s beside the point at the moment.

The first thing I did was check out the spam filter because, well, there are usually some interesting (and sometimes amusing) messages posted by websites that think I need to work out more, need cheap mp3 files and need a bigger penis. They may be right, but that’s beside the point at the moment as well. This time, I found a comment written by an actual person with a valid opinion that should probably be addressed. (When you read it, you’ll understand why it got blocked by the spam filter.) Continue reading “What is “batcave blogging”?”

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“I always sparkle when I’m high.”

I’ll admit it, I went ahead and watched Twilight earlier this week. Thankfully, I was listening to an mp3 file from Rifftrax at the same time—commentary provided by the same people who produced MST3K in its later years—so I never felt the need to grab a pencil to puncture my eyeballs or eardrums to ease the pain. In fact, I almost feel bad that I missed some of the horrific, angst-filled dialogue because of the commentary, but better safe than punctured.

The thing that concerned me the most—even more than the sparkles and the 90-year-old’s desire for a teenager—was when Bella made Edward fess up about being a vampire. During the course of that conversation, he told her, “You’re like heroin.”

Now I have two concerns. Think about this for a second: he doesn’t eat food, he doesn’t sleep, he sparkles, he can leap over tall buildings in a single… well, he can climb big trees really fast. My point is that his biological makeup isn’t the same as a regular human’s anymore—how likely is it that heroin would have any effect on him at all, let alone the effect that Bella seems to have?

I did a little bit of research and found out that heroin did exist back in the early 1900’s, so it’s possible that he would have known what it was like while he was still human, but that would also mean Edward was using heroin as a teenager. Sure, it was sold as medicine, but if he remembers it being that much of a rush, he must have had a lot of coughing fits as a kid.

Even if we brush this concern off to the side and just assume that Edward knows what heroin is like, what does that say about his relationship with Bella? He’s extremely possessive and wants to keep her for his own. He thinks about her day and night. He’s willing to rip out the throat of someone trying to take her from him. He got a taste of her and needed an intervention to stop drinking her blood. He wants her to stay away from him, but can’t let her go. She is what he lives for.

Time to face the facts, Twilight fans: EDWARD IS A JUNKIE! (Feel free to reach for your pencils now.)